Boundaries might become hazy when a grandmother’s affection becomes unpaid labor. One grandmother made the decision to speak up after being asked to watch her twin grandkids on a regular basis.
What was once a family favor turned into a full-time obligation
The birth of my daughter-in-law’s twins last year filled me with immense happiness. For me, becoming a grandma was an absolute dream. I pictured spending weekends enjoying the happiness of family, giving my grandkids lots of love, and listening to their laughter. However, I never thought I would spend so many evenings cradling newborns, changing soiled diapers, and filling in as “the free babysitter” several times a week.
At first, I didn’t mind helping. I knew my son and daughter-in-law had their hands full. I went over a few times a week to babysit and help with housework. Sure, it was tiring, but it was out of love.
Before long, though, it felt more like I was running a daycare than visiting my grandkids. No one ever checked to see if I was available. I’d walk in, and my daughter-in-law would say, “Here’s one baby, and the other is on the changing table. Can you take care of that?”
But I’m not a nanny! I’ve already raised my children. I didn’t expect to take on this role in my 60s. Every time I tried to set a boundary, she’d tell me, “You’re their grandma. This is what grandmas do.”
But I don’t think that’s what being a grandma is supposed to be. It’s about love, joy, and support — not just unpaid labor. I’m not supposed to be expected to drop everything, clean up messes, and run a daycare. I tried talking to my son, but he was always too busy.
When I couldn’t take it anymore
My daughter-in-law became defensive when I expressed my discomfort with diaper duty and nightly bedtime. “So you don’t want to help?” she inquired. Although I would like to assist, I also want to enjoy my retirement and lead a life other than babysitting. I don’t want to feel like a servant; I want respect.
The turning point came when a friend from my club pulled me aside and asked if I was really babysitting “every day for free.” She pointed out something that hadn’t even occurred to me until I saw it for myself: a post on Facebook. My daughter-in-law had shared a photo of me holding the twins, both of them sleeping peacefully in my arms. But I had somehow dozed off with a diaper on my shoulder. And the caption? “Here is my built-in free babysitter. This is the woman who makes weekend outings with my gals possible. Love you,” followed by poop and heart emojis.
Built-in free babysitter? That’s how she saw me now. Not “wonderful grandma” or “amazing help.” Just free childcare. It wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it did. It made me feel invisible, like I was only valued for what I could give her.
I stood my ground for the first time
After seeing that post, I finally sat down with my daughter-in-law and told her things had to change. “I love you and the twins. But I’m your mother-in-law, not your employee. I’m a grandma, not a free nanny.”
She was shocked. She said she thought I loved spending time with the babies and had always been so helpful. And I do love them. But I want to help on my terms, not out of guilt or obligation. I told her I’d still visit, but it had to be on my own schedule. I wouldn’t be changing diapers or staying overnight unless we agreed on it beforehand. She didn’t take it well. She called me “selfish and mean.” But I stood firm.
Actually, I made the decision to take a trip with the money I had accumulated for the family. I’m enjoying my vacation right now. Her texts requesting assistance have gone unanswered by me. I’m enjoying the privacy and tranquility. However, I can’t help but wonder if this makes me a bad grandma or mother-in-law.
Here are some recommendations you may find helpful:
Establish Clear Boundaries with Family: It’s critical to politely but forcefully express your boundaries. You can prevent burnout and preserve your sense of self by establishing boundaries.
Put Your Personal Health First — A cup that is empty cannot be used to pour. Set aside time for relaxation and physical and emotional rejuvenation.
Have Honest Conversations with Your Son — Share your feelings about the situation with him openly. He may not realize how much it’s affecting you.
Don’t Be Afraid to Say No—Refusing requests that are excessive is acceptable. To keep your relationship strong, you must respect your time and effort.
Focus on Quality Time, Not Quantity — Being there for your grandkids is wonderful, but don’t sacrifice your personal happiness. Ensure the time you spend with them is fulfilling and joyful.
Recall that generations can be beautifully shaped by the love of grandparents.
