We frequently assume the best about our family and lend a hand when they are in need. Up until the script changes and your loved ones start taking advantage of you financially, supporting them doesn’t seem like much of a strain.
She paid for everyone’s vacation, all the time.
Every summer, during our family trip, I always end up covering all the costs. This year, my mom called to discuss the trip and mentioned that my brother couldn’t chip in because they had spent their money on home renovations.
She claimed she couldn’t contribute much either because she had gotten some dental work done. No apologies, just the expectation that again, I would pitch in because I earned more, was unmarried, and had no responsibilities.
I was done. They had been taking financial advantage of me for too long. I bluntly told my mother that I wouldn’t be joining them this time, and they could count me and my money out.
She paused, and there was silence on her end. “Well, you may not want to come, but can you pay for the vacation?” she said, shocking me.
I snapped back, telling her, “I’m not your ATM to cover all costs every year.” She called me selfish, saying everything had already been planned and booked, and I should have told them earlier.
Then, my brother accused me of being unsupportive. Instead of being happy for them, he said I only cared about money. He said we were a family, and I was not being a good sister and daughter.
The next day, even my niece called, complaining to me that they’d already spent their money and couldn’t afford anything now. As an aunt, she expected me to help, like I always did. She asked me what was so different this time and finally cut the call in tears, claiming I ruined everything.
Was I wrong? I’m just tired of always being expected to pitch in financially. They don’t even thank me for it or ever think of paying me back. It’s like I always have to pay for the vacation.
Now no one wants to talk to me, and I feel guilty enough to give in, but something is holding me back.
This is a difficult situation for you, and here’s how I think you can successfully manage it using 5 simple steps. Remember to use them anytime anyone asks for money from you, as they will help you set boundaries and stick to them.
1. Appreciate your family for reaching out to you.
Instead of getting angry that your family is approaching you for help, thank them for thinking of you. Appreciate the bond that you share with them and the fact that they feel comfortable or close enough to come to you when in need. That said, this appreciation doesn’t mean that you can’t say no.
Experts advise giving money instead than lending it. Relationships will only become strained if you expect it to return, so whatever you give, consider it never to return, and make your choice accordingly. Verify whether you can really afford to lose this money or if you’re just using it to pay for other things or save money. Make the appropriate choice.
2. Express empathy for their financial difficulties.
You can understand your family’s predicament even if you don’t wish to cover the cost of their vacation. Because she works as a dentist, your mother might not have a reliable source of income and may not have much money left over for the trip. Your brother is obviously unable to afford a vacation because he may have used his money for much-needed home improvements.
Show empathy by sharing your financial and emotional circumstances with them to see if they can reciprocate.
3. State your decision with little to no reasoning.
Keep in mind that if you have been covering everyone’s expenses out of habit, they are not wholly incorrect to expect the same treatment from you this time around. Have you previously attempted to wean them off of your money? Even if you didn’t, and this is the first time you’re saying no, sit down with them and politely decline, providing brief justifications for your decision to discontinue the practice.
Don’t let them “guilt” you into anything. Ultimately, you are not responsible for anyone’s vacation or even life, and your money is just that—yours!
4. Offer alternative solutions to their financial need.
Offer substitute assistance after declining the money as a gift or loan. Perhaps you can get a discount on their airfare by using part of your Flyer miles. Or maybe they could stay for free if you have any hotel coupons. Show them that you are willing to assist them in other ways even if you are unable to provide financial support.
5. Stay consistent about your decision, but remain kind.
Your family may approach you again for financial help, especially if they aren’t able to make any alternative arrangements as the time comes closer. Remember to stay firm and state that you have changed your rules about giving money or helping them out. You don’t need to offer excuses; just a simple no and a sorry after is enough.
Sooner or later, they will stop approaching you for money, as long as you stay firm.
You may avoid providing money in any circumstance, not just now, by following these easy guidelines.
